Archive for February, 2005|Monthly archive page

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I had a nasty fart this afternoon on line at the coffee shop. Really tough luck for the three women behind me. Two of them were pretty hot, so I made a weak apology. Easier to stare at them that way.

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Mike Meyers said he liked Shrek’s farting during the Oscars. We goin’ places baby!

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I farted at the breakfast table this morning and my Sigificant Other laughed and then said “I have to watch what I feed you.” As if she could fix this so easily!

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The Top 10 Other Famous Dumb Paintings: #5!

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Harmon Leon mixes a bit of fart humor into a serious and seriously sick look at American racial activists: My Dinner at Applebee’s With White Supremacists!

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At the gym this morning I was debating how urgently I needed to take a dump. Seemed like I could wait so I finished my workout, then I wondered if this could be put off until we got home or if I should make my Significant Other hang out. Questionable but I didn’t want her to sit around so off we went. Hindsight is 20/20 but she probably would have preferred to wait because to relieve some of the pressure I stunk up the car with the remains of last night’s fried fish and asparagus. Seriously bad ones, she had to open the windows to get fresh air. Maybe next time I’ll ask her first.

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One example of bad farting was a long time ago when I was just out of college. Although I expected an interesting job to just fall out of the tree and into my lap, reality was much more difficult. One morning I was interviewing for an entry level position at a large pharmaceutical company–this was in New Jersey, where most of the old line pharmcos used to be–and we were about 20 minutes into the conversation. Memory being what it is, who know if I’m right, but I thought he was buying my spiel and we were close to a positive result. Until right in the middle of some explanation he was giving me about work life there I blasted out a big one. He looked up from his desk, smiled softly and brought the interview to a quick close. Made sure I noticed him sniffing a bit as he came around his desk to show me the door. Never did hear from him or the recruiter.

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Where is the strangest place you’ve ever farted? In front of your priest, rabbi or grandparent doesn’t count unless you have a good story to go with it. A fancy museum, that’s a good place because museums are usually very quiet and have very hard, angular walls that make for loud, reverberating acoustics. My answer: I was home, this was a Friday night a few years ago, and being dateless I was surfing a local voice personals system. An allegedly hot woman connected with me for a live chat and I seemed to be making progress towards a meet up or even hook up, when I let out a blast so juicy and loud she immediately knew what I’d done. And hit the disconnect button before the noise finished.

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Today was a slow fart day. Very lazy. Didn’t go to the gym, which is a good place for embarrasing gas leaks since the noise of the machines covers the sound of the release. It was the right decision, though, because we need time to honor our Presidents. I let out a 21 fart salute after dinner.

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We were at a dog show today and I enjoyed myself more than expected. But wow, can some of these purebreds cut the mustard! I mean you do not want to be behind them when the nerves kick in and they let go. On the other hand, there was surprisingly little shit on the floors and paths between buildings. Signs might say to clean up after your dogs but that doesn’t guarantee much of anything. Geez, we left three and a half hours ago but the smell of the dog farts is still in my nose!